Comrade Skywalker: Episode IV: A National Liberation Hope
by An Aroused Koala
Summary: Karl Marx's birthday is May 5th. Star Wars day is May 4th. Coincidence? I think not. This is the story of Luke and Leia - the children of the legendary Comrade Anakin Skywalker - and their struggle to overthrow the corrupt, capitalist Galactic Empire. (Please read this in the same voice as the Clone Wars opening narration)
1. The Skywalker-Kenobi Family

AN - This is the fourth installment in the Comrade Skywalker series. Please feel free to investigate the prequels to A National Liberation Hope first, dear Comrade. Only together can said works truly shatter your false consciousness.

Chapter One - The Skywalker - Kenobi family.

_A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…_

**Luke**

I walked in to find my family preparing for dinner. My dad Obi Wan was socialistically chopping up vegetables to make a very proletariat soup, while my other dad Anakin was attempting to boil water.

"I thought we might all go and watch the binary sunset later." I suggested, pouring myself some RED milk because blue milk was for blue blooded oligarchical shills.

"I agree," Obi Wan put down the knife and soothingly patted my dad Anakin on the shoulder. "We should go for a walk in the desert, it will help with Anakin's sand exposure therapy."

My twin sister Leia frowned progressively. "Remember what happened last time we went out for a walk?" she reminded us in the voice of Stalin, "That RACIST FUCK Darth Maul appeared and started rambling on about the Chosen One. We were FUCKING LUCKY that he fell down a vent in the middle of the desert and FUCKING DIED."

"Maybe this time we can get our comrades, the liberated Tusken Raiders, to come with us for protection." I suggested sovietly.

Anakin looked disapproving, a bolshevik frown etched across his working class features. It seemed as if he was about to object, but was stopped by a look from Obi Wan.

"Fine," Anakin huffed, "But I will have to put on my special red helmet and body armor, because sand is not only rough and coarse and irritating, it also GETS FUCKING EVERYWHERE!"

My Dad Obi Wan smiled and finished preparing dinner while my other dad vented to him about all the "FUCKING SAND" that had been produced by "THOSE FUCKING CAPITALIST COCKSUCKERS" exploiting the "FUCKING ENVIRONMENT" and causing the "FUCKING DESTRUCTION OF MOTHERFUCKING NATURE" with their "FUCKING FACTORIES, SWEATSHOPS AND ALL THAT OTHER CORPORATE SHIT". Obi Wan nodded along, occasionally smiling and fetching a red hammer and sickle Band-Aid for Anakin when he accidentally spilled hot soup on himself.

We ate our hearty working class fare at the dinner table, as Leia discussed her plans for the new Communist Rebel base she had set up on Yavin IV. Obi Wan nodded wisely, looking a lot like Karl Marx, while Anakin beamed with bolshevik pride. Leia was going to leave tomorrow, posing as a shill senator on a mission of corporate negotiation in order to slip past the oppressive Empire and its vicious attack dogs.

After dinner, my dad Anakin brought out his red suit and working class helmet. The dome of the helmet was shaped vaguely like the curve on the sickle blade in the hammer and sickle symbol and the heavy respirator was triangular and designed to look like stylized version of Lenin's facial hair. Anakin put his red Che Guevara T-Shirt on top over his body armour, he didn't wear a cape because that would be impractical, not to mention very bourgeois.

"You look very impressive, Comrade." Obi Wan smiled and took Anakin's hand.

"Good, the Jundland Wastes are not to be travelled lightly." Anakin replied, before pausing and exclaiming in the voice of liberation: "OH FUCK! THAT'S NOT MY FUCKING LINE!"

We walked across the desert together, my dads holding each other's hands and me and Leia walking with our granny Shmi. Shmi used to be a soldier of equality too, but she was getting too old for that now and had retired to help us moisture farm in a very working class fashion. We hadn't walked far before we encountered some communist Tusken Raiders who my dads and granny had liberated from their racial oppression. We took the time to pat and feed their Bantha and then they went on their way.

Soon, my dad Anakin announced loudly that we had walked "FUCKING FAR ENOUGH IN ALL THIS FUCKING SAND" and that we would be able to see the binary sunset quite well from this vantage point. We watched together as the two suns set, casting a red communist glow on the sandy desert. The breeze had began to cool and the first stars were slowly becoming visible in the vast, clear sky. My dad sat next to each other, a little way away from Leia and I. Obi wan had his arm around Anakin, and Anakin was resting his head on Obi Wan's shoulder. They were talking quietly. Leia smiled at the sight.

It was such a beautiful, peaceful evening and I was filled with a feeling of serene, Marxist joy. I was lucky that we could all be here as a family, even if Leia had to go on her mission soon.


	2. Leia's Glorious Soviet Mission

**Leia**

Regretfully, I took off my red Che Guevara shirt and replaced it with a decadent senatorial dress that was obviously made by FUCKING exploiting the proletariat. I shuddered at is bourgeois nature as I put it on, but I knew that it was an essential part of my mission. It was necessary for the FUCKING REVOLUTION.

I walked downstairs and I was greeted with an obvious wince by my dad Anakin. He was clearly disgusted at my culturally appropriated garment. My dad Obi Wan smiled at me reassuringly, as did my brother Luke. I said goodbye to them and my Granny Shmi in the voice of Fidel Castro, before walking off with the steps of Stalin and climbing into my rebel ship.

Thankfully, R2D2 and C3PO were accompanying me on my mission. I had put the plans for the Dictatorship Star on a Marxist DVD, which was called RedRay instead of the capitalist BluRay version. BluRay was a capitalist attempt to culturally appropriate our DVDs, much like modern, hedonistic businesses in neo-colonial westerm countries attempt to culturally appropriate REVOLUTION with their Communist-themed kitschy bullshit. With the plans secured, I bolshevikly sat down at the controls and took off from Tatooine in a revolutionary manner. Thankfully Anakin had taught me how to pilot a ship and so I flew sovietly on my way to the Rebel Base that I had established for the FUCKING REVOLUTION.

I hadn't gotten very far when an imperial ship started firing racist bullets at me. "What the FUCKING FUCK was that?" I said rebelliously.

R2D2 beeped loudly in alarm. "HOLY SHIT-BALLS! IT'S THE TITTY-FUCKING EMPIRE!" C3PO translated for him.

"FUCK! Are you ABSOLUTELY FUCKING sure?" I asked in the voice of the OPPRESSED PEOPLE.

R2D2 let out a long stream of agitated noises, which C3PO calmly translated. "FUCK YEAH. I SWEAR ON MY FUCKING DATA-PORTS. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THAT STUPID FUCKING IMPERIAL FUCKBAG KRENNIC ON HIS FUCKING SHIT STAIN OF A SHIP. THAT COCKMUNCHING TWATFACE WILL TURN THIS WHOLE FUCKING MISSION INTO A GIANT FUCKING CLUSTERFUCK IF WE DON'T GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT-MOTHERFUCKING-NOW! FIRE UP THE FUCKING HYPERDRIVE, GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT.

"Okay, beginning the calculations for the jump to hyperspace." I said sovietly. "Lets just hope we can FUCKING MAKE IT."

However, the moment I stopped speaking I felt a terrifying, OPPRESSIVE lurch. Our ship stalled and with a sinking feeling, I realised that the Imperial cruiser had caught us in its imperialistic tractor beam. Now it was was reeling us in in a very inequitable manner!

I jumped out of my seat and ordered everyone to their stations. Our comrades bravely hoisted their socialistic blasters and made ready to defend the ship. A huge blast echoed through the ship as the doors were violently forced open and stormtroopers surged into the corridor, their white armour symbolising their fascist, white supremacist allegiances.

"R2!" I called my comrade over. He came wheeling towards me, whistling in indignation. "These are the plans for the FUCKING FASCIST DEATH MACHINE the Emperor is building. Don't let them fall into Imperial hands." I held out the small disc to him.

R2D2 beeped communistically in reply, taking the disk and stowing it away in one of his compartments.

"FUCKING HELL YEAH. I'LL FUCKING RIP OUT MY OWN GODDAMN FUCKING CIRCUITS BEFORE I GIVE THEM OVER TO THOSE BANTHA-FUCKING FASCIST FUCKTURDS. FUCK THE FUCKING SHILL EMPIRE. VIVA LA REVOLUTION." C3PO translated for him.

"Take the escape pod and go back to Tatooine." I said in the voice of Lenin. "I will distract the FUCKING TROOPERS." I picked up a blaster and nodded. "May the Revolution be with you, Comrades."


	3. Cardinal Krennic SEXISTLY captures Leia

Chapter 3 - Cardinal Krennic SEXISTLY captures Leia

**Luke**

I was on my way to Toshi Station to socialistically pick up some power converters from the local anarcho-communist commune when I ran across a group of Jawas. I slowed my speeder in order to greet my comrades as they flagged me down. They seemed very alarmed and were waving me towards their sandcrawler, a look of socialist concern burning in their Communistically yellow eyes.

"What is it, Comrades?" I asked anxiously.

They jabbered away quickly in their jawa language, but I didn't understand them because I don't speak Jawa and C3PO wasn't there to translate. However, they kept waving and tugging at the hem of my Che Guevara T-Shirt, gesturing for me to step closer to the sandcrawler with them. I did because they were Comrades and I trusted them. Whatever this was… it was clearly important.

As soon as I saw what was worrying them, I gasped. R2D2 and C3PO were waiting for me, they looked scratched and a little banged up and R2D2 was beeping angrily.

"What's he saying?" I asked C3PO in a working class voice.

"Hey says, and it's quite rude…" C3PO huffed, "THAT FUCKTASTIC FUCKFLAP KRENNIC TOOK OVER OUR FUCKING SHIP AND FUCKING KIDNAPPED LEIA AND FUCKED OUR MISSION OVER! THAT FUCKING SORRY ASS EXCUSE FOR A SPASTIC WANKSTAIN WANTS TO DELIVER HER TO FUCKING EMPEROR FUCKING PALPATINE HIM-FUCKING-SELF."

"What about the Dictatorship Star plans?" I asked, awash with bolshevik horror at this new information. "Does he have the Dictatorship Star plans?!"

"MOTHERFUCKING FUCK NO. LIKE FUCK YOUR FUCKING SISTER WOULD LET THE FUCKING PLANS FALL INTO THAT LIMP-DICKED COCKSOCKETS SMEGMA STAINED HANDS. I HAVE THEM AND IN THE NAME OF KARL FUCKING MARX I SWORE I'D DELIVER THIS FUCKING MESSAGE BACK TO YOU."

R2D2 trundled backwards a little and then a holo-projection flickered to life. It was Leia dressed in her culturally appropriated white dress, staring at me with anxious, working-class eyes. "Help me Obi-wan Kenobi. Dad, you're my only hope..." She paused. "You know Anakin would probably fuck it up on his own." She added as an afterthought. The message then flickered and died.

"I have a very bad feeling about this." I said, loading C3PO and R2D2 into the speeder for the journey home.

**Leia**

The moment R2D2 and C3PO were safely away in the escape pod, I stepped out from behind a bulkhead and took aim at the white supremacist stormtroopers. I shot two of the fuckers down, before the FUCKING BASTARDS used a paralyzing ray to oppress the cells in my body and stop them from moving.

They then picked me up and oppressively carried me into their OPPRESSIVE STAR DESTROYER. FUCKING KRENNIC was waiting for me when I got there. He was wearing a disgustingly opulent, culturally appropriated Cardinals outfit. No doubt he was using it to promote religion as the opiate of the people, the FUCKING FUCKER.

"Who are you?" he asked in a voice of pure fundamentalism.

"You know who I am." I replied even though it wasn't my FUCKING LINE.

He glared at me. "Well we have to start somewhere." He replied, even though that made NO FUCKING SENSE. He held out a bundle of black and white cloth and then pushed it into my arms, recoiling quickly because he was probably afraid Communism was contagious. "Put that on, you shameful woman."

"WHAT THE FUCK." I looked down. He had given me a nun outfit. "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS SHIT?"

"Do not speak to your superiors. Never address a man of the Lord in that tone of voice." he lectured me in the voice of religious oppression. "Now put this on." He said pointing at the nun outfit in my arms.

"It is your duty as a woman of the Lord to obey me and serve God!" He continued in the voice of the FUCKING CRUSADERS.

Knowing that I was under duress, and that Cardinal Krennic would likely FUCKING CONVERT ME TO THE CAPITALIST RELIGION OF CATHOLICISM if I didn't put the nun's outfit on, I began to take off my capitalist disguise clothing.

"STOP STOP!" Wailed Krennic. He shielded his religiously-deluded eyes with a feeble arm that was weak from his indulgence, probably due to the Catholic Church having shit-tons of money from paying no fucking taxes, contributing to the FUCKING CLASSISM IN CAPITALIST SOCIETY.

"WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG NOW, YOU MEDIEVAL CHILD-MOLESTER?" I asked him in the calm and reasoned tones of Stalin himself.

"The female body is sinful and should be covered at all times. Exposing yourself to me would corrupt my holy and devout mind into one of sin and lust, like when Eve lifted the forbidden fruit to Adam's lips and forced him to take a bite. Females like you are the root of all sin on this Earth!" He said in the voice of FUCKING DONALD TRUMP.

"How am I supposed to put this FUCKING NUN OUTFIT ON THEN YOU FUCKFACE?" I said revolutionarily. My voice represented the voice of all the women in pussy-hats marching against the sexual assault practiced by DONALD TRUMP WHO SHOULD GET FUCKING IMPEACHED.

Krennic flapped his FUCKING INCOMPETENT HANDS INCOMPETENTLY and then ran away as I pulled off my clothes, crying for Tarkin to save him from temptation. I rolled my eyes but was silently relieved that there could be no way for him to try to convert me to Catholicism… at least for now.


	4. The White Supremacist Stormtroopers

**Luke**

When I arrived back at the farm, my Dads and my granny Shmi were waiting for me. For some reason, I was relieved to discover that they had not been brutally murdered and burnt to death by stormtroopers.

"Dad! Dad!" I cried running towards the homestead (which was not on fire).

Both my Dads rushed forward, looking socialistically concerned for my well being. In between the gasps of the OPPRESSED WORKERS, I explained to them that Leia had been kidnapped by the Empire.

"There was nothing you could have done, Luke." Obi Wan explained to me in the soothing tones of Chairman Mao, "You would've been killed, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire."

"I want to come with you to Alderaan." I said, looking up at him rebelliously. I knew he was going to go save my sister Leia and rekindle the galaxy wide uprising, and I wanted to be there to witness the TRIUMPH OF THE MASSES OVER THE ELITE. "I want to learn the ways of the REVOLUTION and become a true comrade like my fathers."

My Dads each put a soothing hand on my shoulder and led me away to their communistically red landspeeder. We all climbed in and sped off through the desert. My heart was burning with the desire to avenge the suffering of my sister and my comrades, the proletariat. The SHILL EMPIRE would pay for its corrupt fascist crimes.

We stopped on an outcrop overlooking the oppressive, capitalistically-industrialised city of Mos Eisley. Anakin shuddered in disgust just looking at it.

"Mos Eisley spaceport." Obi Wan declared in the voice of KARL MARX HIMSELF. "You will never find such a wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"Except for that FUCKING CAPITALIST SHIT HOLE CORUSCANT." Anakin interjected loudly from somewhere behind us.

"That's true." Obi Wan conceded in a thoughtful voice, his face taking on the learned countenance of a great progressive thinker. "Coruscant really is the asshole of the galaxy." He paused, and then turned his attention back to the task ahead. "We must be cautious." He cautioned, cautiously.

We sped into the city, but were stopped by OPPRESSIVE STORMTROOPERS. They held us up purely based on biased opinions in much the same way that BIASED POLICE OFFICERS DISPROPORTIONATELY HOLD UP NON WHITES AT RANDOM CHECKPOINTS.

"How long have you had these droids?" Their leader demanded in a voice that dripped with white supremacy. He was probably a member of the Klu Klux Klan since he was wearing an all white uniform.

"About three or four seasons." My Dad Anakin replied, stealing MY FUCKING LINE.

"They are up for sale if you want them." Obi Wan said to the trooper. He adopted a falsely capitalistic tone so that the storm trooper would think he supported MATERIALISM and ROBOT SLAVERY and thus not be suspicious of him.

The stormtrooper stepped forward with sudden interest, no doubt delighted by the prospect of OWNING SLAVES.

"You don't need to see any identification." My Dad Obi Wan said with a slight wave of his hand. The vast and indomitable will of the proletariat echoed in his voice, weakening the stormtrooper's false consciousness ever so slightly and confusing him.

"We don't need his identification." The stormtrooper said to his fellow oppressors, CULTURALLY APPROPRIATING MY DAD'S LINE.

"These are not the droids you are looking for." Obi Wan continued in the VOICE OF THE PEOPLE.

"These are not the droids we are looking for." The stormtrooper continued his RACIST APPROPRIATION.

"He can go about his business." Obi Wan said calmly, gripping by dad Anakin's arm to stop him from jumping up and screaming in the face of the stormtrooper's blatant appropriation. "Move along."

"He can go about his business." The stormtrooper repeated, racistly nodding to the other troopers. "Move along."

With that, Obi Wan sped away before Anakin could yell at the stormtrooper's because of their "FUCKING RACIST RACISM" and their "FUCKING RACIST APPROPRIATION AND OPPRESSION OF FUCKING MINORITY CULTURE AND SHIT".

We drove past the CGI animals that had been edited in by that CAPITALIST SHILL GEORGE LUCAS until, eventually, we got to the Mos Eisley spaceport.


	5. The SHITHOLE Mos Eisley Cantina

**Luke**

Despite the Mos Eisley Cantina being a place of capitalistic business transactions, it was a humble dwelling, so it suited my Communist tastes... as much as such a capitalist shithole could. We stepped inside and I instantly recoiled at the smell of corruption, money laundering and bourgeois business transactions. I heard my dad Anakin scream "THIS PLACE IS FUCKING DISGUSTING" along with the sound of him being sick in a corner. My dad Obi Wan took charge and navigated us to the bar, where he ordered a drink for Anakin.

"Hey, no droids in here. We don't allow their kind," said the capitalist bartender racistly.

"THAT'S FUCKING DISCRIMINATION AGAINST THESE WORKING CLASS DROIDS YOU FUCKING APPLE CRUMBLE" yelled my dad Anakin, his hand on the hilt of his hammer and sickle lightsaber.

My other dad Obi Was stepped towards him and I heard them talking in hushed tones in the voices of Stalin. "How can we stand for this DISGUSTING XENOPHOBIA AGAINST THE PROLETARIAT?" Anakin whispered. I heard Obi Wan mention the "FUCKING REVOLUTION" in his reply. Eventually my dad Anakin straightened up and asked C3PO and R2D2 to leave the cantina in a very feminist fashion.

I could sense that a lot of the other patrons were eyeing us suspiciously, but I paid no attention to them. Their petit bourgeois opinions were not important, because ultimately I was here with my parents for an important mission for the REVOLUTION OF THE PEOPLE and that was all that mattered. I looked around an observed some working class aliens, smiling appreciatively at ALL THE DIVERSITY OF LIFE THAT THE WHITE SUPREMACIST STORMTROOPERS WERE TRYING TO ERADICATE. I also noticed that my dad Obi Wan was talking to a working class Wookie. It must have been an important matter because my dad was using the VOICE OF STALIN. My smile widened sovietly, I knew that this Wookie would help us because my dad Anakin had gloriously liberated the Wookies on Kashyyyk from the racist and imperialist droid attack.

Suddenly I felt a greasy capitalist hand tapping my shoulder. I turned around and saw an oppressive alien staring at me, grunting in an alien language. Because I couldn't speak alien I turned around again and went back to my drink. I was thinking about how much I loved socialism when I felt yet another greasy hand on my shoulder. I turned around revolutionarily and saw a ghastly fascist sight.

"I don't like you," A fascist stranger said in the voice of Mike Pence. His piggy eyes narrowed and I could instantly tell he was part of the established oligarchy who was threatened by the notion of EQUALITY FOR ALL.

I had a bad feeling about that.


	6. Capitalist Indiana Jones

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?" demanded my father Anakin loudly in the voice of equality to the pig faced man. He crossed the room swiftly with the steps of Stalin, glaring at the capitalist alien, his eyes as wrathful as the October Revolution. "YOU MUST BE THE CHILD OF THE MONOPOLY MAN AND A CAPITALIST PIG!" he declared sovietly.

"These little ones aren't worth the effort," my dad Obi Wan addressed the Capitalist-Monopoly-Man-Pig in the soothing voice of Chairman Mao, appearing behind Anakin. Anakin glared at him for referring to him as "little one".

Suddenly the Capitalist-Monopoly-Man-Pig shoved me aside and I fell rebelliously into a table, communistically disrupting some capitalist gambling with my fall. Both my dads ignited their red hammer and sickle lightsabers, just in time to block the misogynistic bullet the alien fired at them.

"YOU HAVE CULTURALLY APPROPRIATED THE COMMUNIST COLOUR YELLOW!" Bellowed my dad Anakin quietly, not wanting to attract too much attention. The alien lunged forward, ready to attack again but Obi Wan leaped in front of Anakin and Marxistly cut off the alien's arm. I watched as it fell to the floor in a very Socialist manner.

Everybody stopped and looked at us but I wasn't worried. I knew that the judgement of capitalists meant nothing to us since we would bring about the FUCKING REVOLUTION. I was trying to calm down my dad Anakin (who was yelling extremely loudly about the redistribution of wealth), when I noticed that Obi Wan had slipped off into a corner. My other dad was chatting to a gloriously liberated Wookie and a man who looked suspiciously like Indiana Jones.

I pointed them out to my dad Anakin, who stopped yelling about the one percent and started yelling about "WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT CAPITALIST SCUM THINK HE IS CHATTING UP MY HUSBAND LIKE THAT! HE'S PROBABLY TRYING TO INTRODUCE HIM TO coin OR SOME OTHER PLUTOCRATIC SCAM". I winced as his Fidel Castro-esque voice socialistically assaulted my eardrums. My dad Anakin then barged towards the table in the corner. I marxistly tailed behind him.

Obi Wan looked up when Anakin reached his side, "This is Chewbacca, he is first mate on a ship that might suit our needs." He said, quoting Chairman Mao's Little Red Book.

I could see Anakin eyeing Chewbacca and the Indiana Jones look alike suspiciously. I could understand why. After all why would a liberated comrade Wookie be hanging around with an obvious corporate shill who covets private property?

"Han Solo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system." said the Indiana Jones look alike racistly.

"Yes that's right, we would like to go to Alderaan because my daughter-" I quickly covered my dad Anakin's mouth to suppress his glorious communist words. They might give away our rebellious intentions to the enemy.

"Yes, indeed. If it's a fast ship." replied Obi Wan in a voice that supports diversity, the inclusion of people of colour, the LGBTIQA+ community and people with disabilities.

"Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?" said 'Han Solo', evidently bragging about his disgusting private property which was probably made by slave labour, whilst also objectifying women with his misogynistic tone.

"Should I have?" My dad Obi wan asked, raising his eyebrows anarcho-communistically.

Han Solo leaned forward, smiling in a very materialistic fashion. "Its the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs." He smirked, clearly expecting us to be awed by this.

However, my dad Anakin was not impressed. "ARE YOU FUCKING DENSE YOU FUCKING FUCK NUGGET?" He demanded in the voice of Chairman Mao. "PARSECS IS A FUCKING UNIT OF DISTANCE YOU FUCKING DONKEY-COCK! YOU CAN'T MAGICALLY CHANGE A SET ROUTE INTO TWELVE PARSECS! WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU TO FLY, YOU HALF-WITTED DICKMUNCHING TOOL?"

"I've outrun Imperial starships." Han Solo ignored my dad and continued to brag capitalistically. "And I'm not talking about Imperial bulk cruisers. I'm talking about the big Corellian ships."

"Whoop-di-fucking-doo." My dad Anakin muttered under his breath.

"How much will it be?" asked Obi Wan grimacing as he spoke of money, which is a capitalist plague on society.

"Ten thousand in advance," replied Han Solo in a greedy voice. He smiled while simultaneously money laundering to the detriment of many innocent proletarians.

"TEN THOUSAND! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU FUCK? " said my dad Anakin to the tune of the national anthem of the USSR. "We could almost buy our own ship for that, not that we would because that is not the communist way. Also it would be fueling an economy that OPPRESSES THE WORKING CLASS."

"But who's going to fly it, kid! You?" Han Solo said to my dad Anakin, even though he was a grown man.

"Yes I am in fact I am an extremely good pilot. I won the Boonta Eve podrace on HERE ON FUCKING TATOOINE even though I actually came second because SEBULBA THAT FUCKING CORPORATIST FROG WAS DISQUALIFIED FOR HAVING A FUCKING WASHING MACHINE ON HIS PODRACER!" Anakin whispered in a very humble and non boastful way.

"We'll give you seventeen thousand when we reach Alderaan," negotiated Obi Wan as I tried to placate Anakin.

"Okay. You guys got yourself a ship. We'll leave as soon as you're ready. Docking bay Ninety-four." Lied Han Solo. His Indiana Jones face contorted with colonial greed.

"LET'S FUCKING GO THEN BEFORE THE WHITE SUPREMACIST STORMTROOPERS COME BACK." said Anakin, while trying to avoid attracting attention to us with the voice of Raul Castro.

Han Solo shot a random green insect thing and then we left.


	7. The Comrades Meet an Old Enemy

Luke

We were supposed to get onto a trash heap of a ship; the so called 'Millenium Falcon'. Han Solo owned it and he had boasted about how it was probably made using slave labour. I was disgusted at the possibility of boarding such a thing, but our boarding was interrupted. Normally I would have rejoiced, but my marxist heart sank when I saw a bloated, fat and disgustingly hedonistic slug approaching us. I could see his obese yellow eyes (which were culturally appropriating the Communist colour yellow) had revolving dollar signs inside them. I recoiled in horror. The entirety of his person was so materialistic and decadent.

"Come out Solo!" Jabba said in a misogynistic voice, addressing the entire Millenium Falcon. His corporatist voice echoed oppressively, sending soviet shudders through all the assembled comrades.

"I've been waiting for you, Jabba!" Anakin rosed to the bait and cried out sovietly, even though it WASN'T HIS FUCKING LINE.

"I don't understand what you're saying I don't speak English." Said Jabba chauvinistically in an English colonial voice that was dripping with hatred for non-European people. "Give me the money Solo." He ejaculated (literally) at the thought of more money, which he would probably use to buy MORE SLAVES.

"What the fuck! You're working for him?" I asked Han Solo, whilst simultaneously liberating women and freeing them from sexual violence as part of the #MeToo movement.

"It's not my fault," began Han Solo racistly, "I didn't know what I was supposed to do when my girlfriend ran off to be with (sexy racist) Darth Maul and she left me alone on this random sandy island place."

Anakin ignited his hammer and sickle lightsaber which was red and began to approach the rotting and festering body of Jabba the Hutt.

"Wait Anakin NO!" screamed Obi Wan gloriously. "Remember that Leia has to kill Jabba in Episode VI Return of the Communists."

"Oh yeah right..." said Anakin in the voice of Mao.

Suddenly, some white supremacist stormtroopers arrived with a burning KKK cross and began to fire elitist bullets at us elitistly.

"LET'S JUST FUCKING GO AND SAVE OUR DAUGHTER OK!" Anakin and Obi Wan cried unitedly. It was very reminiscent of the way that the workers of the world were united after their successful revolution on Naboo, when the oligarchist plutocratic monarchy was destroyed by THE PEOPLE. We all ran onto the capitalist ship and Han Solo and Chewbacca pressed the buttons frantically. I was beginning to panic, thinking that this sweatshop ship was not up to the task of transporting us, but I was proved wrong. In a split second, we revolutionarily made the jump to lightspeed, just like Fidel Castro and Che Guevara did when they were travelling to Cuba on a boat to start the revolution.


	8. Alderaan is MURDERED BY FASCISTS

Leia

I was put in a disgustingly hedonistic cell while they made the jump to hyperspace. I knew they must be heading to the Dictatorship Star itself, so it would only be a matter of time before I was trapped inside the most capitalist, fascist structure THE GALAXY HAD EVER FUCKING SEEN. I fought the urge to be sick just thinking about it, and tried to focus on the message I had sent out to my family. Hopefully they could still transmit the plans to Yavin IV in time for the FUCKING REVOLUTION to take action. In the meantime, I just had to find a way to get myself out of this FUCKING BOURGEOISE SHITHOLE SHIP.

I spent so long lost in my thoughts that I barely noticed when the ship dropped out of hyperspace. Two white-supremacist stormtroopers arrived to escort me onto a FUCKING SHUTTLE so I could be transferred to the FUCKING DICTATORSHIP STAR.

To my bolshevik surprise, instead of being sent to another fucking cell I was taken to the bridge. Aside from the stormtroopers, classist officers and FUCKING CARDINAL KRENNIC another person was on the bridge. He was tall and thin and had his fascist back to me, the moment I got close enough I could sense a slightly paper-y scent rolling off him, almost like he had been rolling around in bank notes.

"Governor Tarkin." I said in the voice of KARL MARX. "I should have expected to find you holding Krennic's leash. I recognize your foul stench when I was brought on board."

"Charming to the last." He replied FASCISTLY OPPRESSING ME WITH HIS VOICE. 'You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life." He reached out and touched my face with his bourgeois hands. I wanted to scream at this act of disgusting tyranny.

"I'm surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself." I replied socialistically.

"Leia," He began, not giving me a title because as a FUCKING COMRADE I didn't have one. "Before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony which will make this battle station operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now."

"The more you tighten your grip Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers." I said, my tone full of Marxist wisdom.

"Not after we demonstrate the power of this station." The FUCKING FASCIST continued FASCISTLY. "In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that will be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power on Alderaan."

It took a short, horrifying moment for that to sink in. "No!" I cried in working class horror, "Alderaan is peaceful! They have no weapons! You can't possibly-"

"You would prefer another target?" Tarkin interrupted me fascistly. "A military target? Then name the system." He paused and then stepped closer, his oppressive presence looming over me. "I grow tired of asking, so this will be the last time: where is the rebel base?"

I stared up into his cold, pale eyes, at his papery, wrinkled skin which was stretched over his bones like a death mask and thought of my Comrades on Alderaan. I thought of the proletariat, the brave workers of Alderaan. I thought of Comrade Vos and Comrade Ventress, who had stood by my fathers and fought so tirelessly for the Revolution. I thought of the Younglings.

"Dantooine." I lied truthfully, "They're on Dantooine."

"There," Tarkin said, smug fascism dripping oppressively off every syllable. "See, Cardinal Krennic, she can be reasonable." He turned to one of his cronies. "Continue with the operation, you may fire when ready."

"WHAT?" I shrieked. "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, YOU FUCK?!"

"You're far too trusting." Tarkin smiled, breathing fascistly, revelling in my LITERAL OPPRESSION. "Dantooine is too remote to make an effective demonstration… but don't worry, we will deal with your rebel friends soon enough."

"NO!." I gasped, lurching forward progressively. I wanted to tear Tarkin's FUCKING EYEBALLS out of his FASCIST FUCKING FACE for being such a DISGUSTING LYING FUCK-SACK OF MYNOC-SHIT. Krennic grabbed my shoulder in a tyrannically fundamentalist fashion and pulled me back. I struggled against him with revolutionary fervour, trying and failing to squirm free, but there was nothing, FUCKING NOTHING, I could do.

Lights flickered and flashed oppressively as the Death Star's bourgeoise weapons-system shuddered to life. There was an awful eerie humming sound that grew to a crackling crescendo of white noise as beam of blinding green light streaked across the black expanse of space, heading straight for Alderaan. It took less than a second - less than a heartbeat - for Alderaan to implode in a flat disc of red and yellow-gold flames, the planets Communist colours proudly displayed to the last. When the brilliant colours cleared, nothing but rubble and dust and blank black space remained.

Just like that, Alderaan and every last brave Comrade on it was FUCKING GONE.


	9. Han Solo Lies to Luke

Luke

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF SOCIALISM WAS THAT?" screamed my father Anakin angrily. My other father Obi Wan fell limply into his seat as though his body had become weak from capitalist greed and excess, but it hadn't because he was a glorious comrade.

"What's wrong?" asked Han Solo STEALING MY LINE like a corrupt banker would.

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force... as if millions of voices of COMRADES suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened." said Obi Wan Marxistly.

"NOT LEIA?" verbalized Anakin in a very calm and composed manner, using the voice of Lenin.

I searched my feelings using the force socialistically. I did not think Leia was dead. "No," I answered. "I don't think it's her."

"Don't everyone thank me at once." Said Han Solo capitalistically in a whiney voice, obviously asking for undeserved praise and private property.

I got out my copy of "Das Kapital" by Karl Marx and began to read it to try to calm myself down. I was extremely worried about my sister Leia.

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid," Han Solo drawled which made literally no sense in the context of the conversation. His feeble neurons must have been malfunctioning due to his preoccupation with how much money he was going to make from smuggling, not to mention all the private property he could acquire through the OPPRESSION OF THE PROLETARIAT. I was willing to bet (not that I do bet, because gambling is a form of wasteful capitalist folly) that he was developing dementia.

"Blasters are actually made in sweatshops through exploitation of workers by DENYING THEM RIGHTS AND BASIC WORKING CONDITIONS." I replied feministly, echoing the words of Rosa Luxembourg.

"Kid, Communism doesn't work. Just look at Venezuela." Lied Han in a bigoted voice that was literally oppressing everyone.

"VENEZUELA IS A GLORIOUS COMMUNIST COUNTRY! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE BRAVE COMRADES THAT LIVE THERE YOU FUCKING ICE CREAM CONE! YOU HAVE FALSE CONSCIOUSNESS!" Cried Anakin in support of gay marriage.

"We're coming up on Alderaan." Said Han reading from his ships racist GPS display. "Our position is correct, except... no, Alderaan!"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NO FUCKING ALDERAAN, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCK-TARD? WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU TAKEN US?" Anakin gloriously proclaimed.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been totally blown away." Said Han as he gerrymandered some electorates to favour the Republican party. His ship's display was beeping very loudly in an ableist way. It was clearly discriminating against deaf people with its racist alarms.

"STOP CALLING ME A KID, YOU FUCKING FETUS!" Anakin replied respectfully.

"Destroyed... by the SHILL EMPIRE!" said my dad Obi Wan as his face contorted with Communist rage, making him looked very much like Ho Chi Mihn. My heart started beating fast communistically. This meant that all the comrades on Alderaan like Ventress and Quinlan Vos were GONE FOREVER. My heart swelled with anarco-communist anger. THE EMPIRE WERE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS! THE REVOLUTION WOULD NOT BE EXTINGUISHED!

Suddenly, a TIE fighter came screaming out of the sky, firing bolts of racist oppression at us.

"It followed us!" I cried out as the Millenium Falcon rocked under its corporatist fire.

"No, it's a short range fighter." My dad Obi Wan answered in the voice of progressive policy.

"There aren't any bases around here." Han said, his face scrunching up in incompetent Capitalist confusion. "Where did it come from?"

"If it identifies us we will be in trouble." I cried out, aware that the fighter's fascist scanners were probably detecting vast amounts of Communism right now.

Chewie made a Marxist growl that greatly resembled the voice of Engels, swerving the ship to chase after the fighter in a valiant act of Soviet Revolution.

"Look, he is heading for that small and very Capitalist looking moon!" I pointed towards the small speck in the distance. It was easy to pick our against the utilitarian darkness of space as it was emblazoned with ads for Supreme Leader Sprite's sexist beverage company.

"That's no moon." Obi Wan said in the grave voice of Fidel Castro. There was a Marxist fire burning in his eyes.

"ITS A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT TOOL OF CAPITALIST OPPRESSION!" My dad Anakin shrieked with great dignity, the red helmet distorted his voice and made it sound like the reasoned and wise tenor of Stalin.

"I have a very bad feeling about this." I said, even though I knew it was a stupid and overused line.

Suddenly a very sexist tractor beam started pulling us towards the... Dictatorship Star!


	10. Arrival on the Dictatorship Star

Nobody was there to greet us when we arrived on the Dictatorship Star because the Empire is CORRUPT AND INCOMPETENT. We all loudly strode through the docking bay revolutionarily, except for Han Solo who strode feebly and cowardly because he was not a comrade. The shiny floors and doors reeked of opulence and I found it hard to maintain my composure and not VOMIT at the sight of the hedonistic excess.

"Remember Anakin, the Emperor Palpatine will probably try to imperialistically seduce you." warned Obi Wan warningly. My dad Anakin shuddered as he recalled the wrinkly and floppy geriatric body of Palpatine which was osteoporotic with capitalist greed.

R2D2 made some socialist beeps and C3PO translated progressively. "I'VE FUCKING FOUND THE FUCKING EMPIRE'S DUMB UNCLEFUCKING WHOREFACE COMPUTER OUTLET. IF I FUCKING PLUG MYSELF INTO THAT REPULSIVE FUCKING SHITBAG OF FUCKING CAPITALIST FILTH I MIGHT BE ABLE TO FUCKING FIND OUT WHERE THE FUCK THEY ARE FUCKING IMPRISONING LEIA AND THE FUCKING LOCATION OF THE DICKJUGGLING TRACTOR BEAM GENERATOR."

"Excellent idea, Comrade." Obi Wan said socialistically. "But for this to work we may need some disguises. We should wear stormtrooper armour." He pointed to a pile of white stormtrooper suits that were lying right next to him in a sickening display of capitalist excess. "Marx must be smiling upon us, because it is very conveniently right next to us."

'I'm not wearing those shoddily made, white washing capitalist costumes!" My dad Anakin thundered in the voice of the people. "I have my glorious Bolshevik anti-sand suit, those assfucking cock-waffles won't know it's me anyway!" He said in the wise and reasoned voice of Stalin.

"I think they might be able to guess anyway, comrade." My dad Obi Wan replied.

Anakin stood up Communistically straight, ready to disagree. "It will be fine."

"I can't see a thing in this helmet." Han complained, trying on one of the racist helmets.

"That's NOT YOUR FUCKING LINE!" Anakin bellowed at him in the VOICE OF THE PROLETARIAT. "Look at this fucking capitalistic dick-napkin, culturally appropriating my son's lines!"

Obi Wan sighed in the gentle tones of Kim Jong Il. "This is not going to work." He said. I forgave him even though THAT WASN'T HIS LINE EITHER, because he had stolen it from that gerrymandering capitalist class traitor Han. "You need to pretend to not be a comrade, Anakin."

"Why didn't you say so before?" Han said nervously, once again appropriating my line.

"BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY." Anakin yelled quietly in the voice of equality.

Chewie made a radical feminist sound of agreement, and began to help me put on the disgusting fascist armour.

Together we strode through the revoltingly monarchistic halls of the Dictatorship Star in search for Leia. Everywhere we looked the walls were covered in billboards, signs and posters advertising Amazon and sweatshop goods that had been created through the exploitation of the WORKING CLASS PEOPLE OF THE GALAXY. There were even personal advertisements for the ultimate capitalists like Banking CEOs and the members of the Tea Party. I wanted to vomit in socialistic horror.

"I think we should split up comrades," said Obi Wan proletarianly. "I will disable the tractor beam and Anakin can take Luke and Han and Chewie to find Leia."

"I WANT TO GO WITH YOU." Anakin whispered in ALLCAPS, using the voice of Engels.

"Your destiny lies along a different path to mine. MAY THE FUCKING REVOLUTION BE WITH YOU… ALWAYS," replied Obi Wan in a sombre tone as he revolutionarily strode off to find the tractor beam generator in the name of the FUCKING REVOLUTION.


	11. Luke Socialistically Rescues Leia

Luke

"LET'S FUCKING GO AND FIND MY FUCKING DAUGHTER." Anakin quoted from the socialist song 'The Internationale'.

Suddenly R2D2 communistically started beeping. "SHE'S AT THE MOTHERFUCKING LEVEL 5 DETENTION BLOCK A-A-23," translated C3PO. "THAT DONKEY-FUCK CARDINAL KRENNIC HAS HAD HER SCHEDULED TO BE FUCKING TERMINATED."

"Oh no! We've got to do something," I gloriously cried in a glorious socialist voice. I saw Han Solo eye me suspiciously with the eyes of white privilege.

"I'm not going anywhere." He said bourgeouisly pulling out his iPhone XS - which was literally called the IPHONE EXCESS - out of his racist pocket to play capitalist slot machine games on it.

"BUT THEY'RE GOING TO KILL HER YOU, FUCKING SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE LOOKING FUCK!" Anakin cried in the voice of Trotsky.

"Better her than me." Shrugged Han oppressively. It was clear that he was not going to cooperate because of his false consciousness, so I decided that _since the FUCKING REVOLUTION was at stake_ I needed to use a different approach.

"She's rich…" I began, impersonating the voice of Mussolini and leaning away to disguise the fact that I had just vomited into my mouth in disgust of my own words.

"Luke WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" roared my dad Anakin comradely.

"Obi Wan told me that after Padme became a comrade before she died giving birth to us she changed her will. She left Leia her whole wardrobe. That way she could use her outfits as capitalist disguises. That wardrobe is full of decadent and opulent dresses that were made in sweatshops by exploiting people in third world countries. They would be worth a lot of money." I explained in the NAME OF THE REVOLUTION.

"Oh yes, actually that is correct. I remember now," said Anakin as we somberly held a minute's silence for my surrogate mother and fallen comrade Padme. Chewie let out a mournful growl.

"Rich?" asked Han, his disgustingly bourgeois voice interrupting our mourning of Comrade Padme and the fallen comrades from Alderaan. I could see his eyes light up with consumerist greed. Evidently he was fantasizing about all the exploitation that had gone into making Padme's dresses and how much private property he could acquire using her filthy capitalist money.

"Yeah she's really FUCKING RICH AND SHE'S SUCH A CAPITALIST YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE HER SO MUCH NOW HELP US PLS," said Anakin impersonating the greedy and whiny capitalist voice of Ronald Reagan.

Han turned around and aggressively accosted some of the shoddy opulently, classist control panels. "Here it is, cell 2185." He declared, busting the door open and opening fire on the white supremacist storm troopers. "You go and get her, I'll hold them here."

I looked at Han and for a moment I thought that he would make a good comrade, but then shook my head. I realised that he was too brainwashed by false consciousness and way too in love with the concept of private property to join THE REVOLUTION. That knowledge made me sad and I heaved a socialist sigh before rushing off to find Leia with the steps of Fidel Castro.

I opened the door to cell 2185 to find Leia lying down on the racist prison bench. She did look very pretty but I didn't stare at her like a creep because I had great respect for women. Also I believed that their contribution to the Communist state and the Revolution was far more important than their appearance. That and she was my sister, so staring would be weird.

"You're a little Socialist for a stormtrooper." She said, sitting up.

"Oh, the uniform." I sighed, cringing at how dumb my line was.

I took off my helmet and Leia recognised me at once. She didn't ask me who I was because that would have been pointless, even if that was HER ACTUAL LINE.

"I'm here with our dads." I told her rebelliously.

"Our dads?" She asked, jumping to her feet. "Where are they?"

"Anakin is busy defending us against the storm-troopers and their institutional racism." I said, running to join her as she rushed out of the cell.

Out in the control centre my dad Anakin was Communistically fighting the storm troopers, accompanied by Chewie and Han Solo.

"Let's get out of here!" moaned Chewie in the voice of Bernie Sanders. I wildly looked around the detention block in a glorious fashion but I couldn't see any door, other than the one that was racistly blocked by the white supremacist stormtroopers.

"There isn't any other way out!" I cried in the voice of all minorities.

"GIVE ME THAT FUCKING GUN YOU INCOMPETENT BOZOS," said Leia calmly and quietly so the stormtroopers couldn't hear her. I handed her the racist gun that I had stolen from the stormtroopers and she fired one of its fascist bullets at the wall, creating a hole in the shape of a hammer and sickle. "Get in," she commanded Han Solo in the way that Fidel Castro had commanded his followers to overthrow the capitalist Batista.

Han jumped in the hole and I quickly followed along with Anakin and reluctantly Chewie.


	12. The Bourgeois Garbage Chute

Leia

I jumped through the hammer and sickle shaped hole and landed heavily in a pile of dirty banknotes, cracked iphones, old Ferraris and poker chips.

"Where are we what is this place?" I said looking around in disgust at the decadent capitalist products. I could see that Luke, Anakin and Chewie were feeling as repulsed as I was, whereas Han was desperately trying to grab as many banknotes as he possibly could.

"I think this is supposed to be the garbage chute," said my brother Luke looking a lot like the glorious Turkish comrade Hasan Piker. I frantically cast my socialist eyes around the garbage chute's walls (which were wallpapered in printouts of Donald Trump tweets) to try to spot a way out but there was no door.

"Oh! The garbage chute was a really wonderful idea. What an incredible smell you've discovered! Let's get out of here! Get away from there…" said Han in the petulant voice of Steven Crowder, even though NOBODY WAS SMELLING OR TOUCHING ANYTHING. Although he was a FUCKING CAPITALIST PIG I couldn't help but admire his rugged features and chiselled jaw. In my mind's eye, I pictured him wearing a red Che Guevara shirt with an ushanka on his head. My fantasy version of him was standing under the hammer and sickle flag, which rippled in the breeze as the working class of the galaxy redistributed the wealth of the 1%. Unfortunately my utopian fantasy was crushed by a strange gurgling sound.

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT? IS THERE A DIRTY CAPITALIST IN HERE?" whispered Anakin bolshevikly.

"It's just your imagination," crooned Han in a greedy voice evidently trying to distract us from any danger so that he wouldn't have his private property seized as part of the REVOLUTION. Suddenly, something moved from under a pile of selfie sticks and a small green hand protruded out fascistly.

"What the fuck is that FUCKING YODA THE SHRIVELLED SCROTUM HIMSELF?" I yelled quietly, not wanting to attract any attention from the white supremacist storm troopers who were surely patrolling the corridors above.

I watched incredulously as Yoda's side-hoe Yaddle (who was also dressed as the Monopoly Man and holding a stack of papers) leapt up from underneath the rubble and began to screech in an incredibly sexist voice, "WELCOME TO TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE!"

I could see Han's eyes greedily fixed on Yaddle's feeble and wrinkly body. He was no doubt thinking of how good it would be to have ONE MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS THAT HE DIDNT EARN AND WAS WINNING AS A RESULT OF EXPLOITATION OF THE FUCKING PROLETARIAT.

"Fuck OFF Yaddle, you stupid sausage roll. Nobody even paid attention to you in the movies anyway." said my dad Anakin angrily. He ignited his red hammer and sickle lightsabre and advanced towards, her whilst also drafting legislation to make university education free.

Yaddle cackled in a voice that was a mixture of alarm and the vile tones of Pauline Hanson, reaching out her puny Tyrannosaurus Rex arm. "Oh no you don't," she said and used the force to activate the garbage crushing mechanism. The walls began to move, slowly coming closer and closer in a very militaristic fashion. We scrambled up and frantically tried to push the walls back to stop them from closing in on us. I grabbed a large selfie stick and tried to use it to prop the walls apart, with the help of Han whose large but gentle hands were wrapped around my waist stabilizing me. I almost enjoyed the moment, but then I remembered that he also used those hands to contribute to the capitalist economy that results in the alienation of the working class. I recoiled in disgust. We could have used the force on the walls to stop them from crushing us but we didn't, because in the original script we didn't have our Jedi powers yet. I was losing hope that we would escape from this materialistic hellhole of a garbage chute when my twin brother revolutionarily called our comrades C3PO and R2D2 on his Marxist walkie talkie.

"In the name of the REVOLUTION turn off the garbage crushing mechanism!" he quoted from A Communist Manifesto and the walls jolted to a halt and began to play the national anthem of the USSR.

"LETS GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS ABELIST FUCKING HOLE AND GO AND FIND MY HUSBAND OBI WAN!" cried Anakin. We all force jumped out of the hammer and sickle hole unnoticed, mainly because the race realist stormtroopers were distracted by a new episode of The Rubin Report. Yaddle tried to follow us but we quickly closed the blast door and trapped her in the garbage chute sovietly.

"TURN THE CRUSHING MECHANISMS BACK ON!" cried my dad Anakin to R2D2 in the name of the FUCKING REVOLUTION and we all watched as the garbage crushers crushed Yaddle so much that she resembled a long green piece of spaghetti.

"VIVA LA REVOLUTION!" I declared rebelliously.


	13. Palpatine tries to seduce Anakin AGAIN

**Leia**

We ran down the opulent bourgeois corridors of the Dictatorship Star towards the Millennium Falcon. We ran into a few stormtroopers along the way but fortunately they couldn't see us. The eye-holes in their KKK hoods were too small for them to see out of, probably because they were mass produced by a company that cut the wages of its workers to maximize profits for the CEO. We had almost reached the ship when I noticed a red hammer and sickle lightsaber out of the corner of my eye. I turned around and saw my dad Obi Wan battling THE FUCKING EMPEROR FUCKING PALPATINE HIMSELF and Cardinal Krennic was standing nearby clutching his prayer beads and Bible.

Palpatine's yellow eyes (which were cultural appropriation of the communist colour yellow) locked onto my dad Anakin and his red flabby geriatric skin (which was also cultural appropriation of the communist colour red) flopped around in the breeze as he disrobed. With a bourgeoise flourish, he threw his black scrap of fabric that was MASS PRODUCED IN A SWEATSHOP BY SLAVERY aside.

"I've been waiting for you, Anakin. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete." He said imperialistically.

"WHAT THE FUCK! YOU ARE CULTURALLY APPROPRIATING THE COMMUNIST SICKLE SYMBOL, WHICH IS CIRCULAR, AND THATS NOT EVEN YOUR FUCKING LINE YOU FUCKING CASSEROLE." Said Anakin quietly in the VOICE OF THE FUCKING PEOPLE. "And also who are you? I don't even know who you are. I am not Anakin, why are you calling me that? Who is Anakin?" He continued rapidly, remembering that he was in his red suit so Palpatine would not be able to see his face.

FUCKING PALPATINE cackled transphobically whilst dog whistling to the alt right. Clearly trying to shut down unions and remove the rights of the working class "When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master."

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU EVEN SAYING YOU FUCK? THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!" screamed Anakin quietly in ALL CAPS.

"It seems that Palpatine has grown slow and fat and senile in his dotage, THE SLUG." added Obi Wan which was actually from the wrong movie series but it was ok, because he was my dad after all.

"Anakin please," pleaded Palpatine in the voice of oppression, caressing his own shrivelled nipples as he did so, "You know we belong together."

"Who is Anakin?" replied my dad Anakin progressively, confusing FUCKING Palpatine in a stroke of genius.

"Anakin I know that you can feel my desire for you." Palpatine recovered and began to fondle himself festively, festooning his saggy, knee length balls over his wrist while he did so. "Why do you deny me like this?"

"New phone who dis?"

"ANAKIN CUM TO THE DARK SIDE!" ejaculated Emperor Palpatine imperialistically (and literally) in an imperial manner as he imperialistically tried to seduce Anakin to the dark side. I knew he was trying to do this because it was foretold in Episode IV: A New Hope, when Obi Wan said that Vader was seduced by the dark side of the force (which was a reference to that fucking pondscum filth that calls itself capitalism).

"Your powers are weak old man," replied Anakin in the voice of the proletariat. This was especially powerful because it was his ACTUAL FUCKING LINE.

Suddenly Palpatine screeched loudly and unleashed his blue lightning, that was symbolic of the Tories, onto my dad Obi Wan.

"NOOOOO!" I screamed in unison with Luke and my dad Anakin and Chewbacca and C3PO and R2D2. My red communist heart beat loud and fast as socialist rage engulfed me, just like the way that the enlightened proletariat becomes angry at their oppression by the bourgeoisie. I tried to run at THAT FUCKING FASCIST EMPEROR PALPATINE for hurting my dad, but Obi Wan summoned the communist force and pushed Luke, Anakin and I back.

I watched in shock and horror as my dad Obi Wan managed to stand shakily on his feet and held his hammer and sickle lightsabre in front of him.

"You can't win, Sheev. If you strike me down, THE REVOLUTION shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine," he gloriously cried in THE VOICE OF ALL WORKING CLASS PEOPLE AND ALL PEOPLE HAD EVER BEEN OPPRESSED BY FUCKING CAPITALISM IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE.

Palpatine ignited his racist lightsabre and prepared to swing it.

"DON'T DO THIS OBI WAN. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CONTINUE THE REVOLUTION WITHOUT YOU? I LOVE YOU OBI WAN!" whispered Anakin loudly enough for everyone to hear.

Obi Wan looked solemnly at Anakin, Luke and I and Palpatine swung his imperialist lightsabre, hitting Obi Wan. My dad fell and vanished into thin air, leaving only his red Che Guevara shirt behind.


	14. Escape from the Dictatorship Star

Luke

A deep pain seared into my Bolshevik heart as I ran with my sister and my dad Anakin to the spot where my fallen dad Obi Wan had been. Seeing the socialist rage in our eyes, the cowardly Emperor Palpatine cackled and disappeared down a vent. He should have died but the capitalism was strong with him and he lubricated his long fall with his vast personal wealth and cushioned his landing with piles upon piles of ill-gotten banknotes.

"FUCK YOU, YOU SCOTUM HEADED, PLUTOCRATIC WARM JAR OF MAYONAISE!" My sister Leia screamed down the vent after him.

I stood there like an idiot while everyone around me fired their blasters which were products of slave labour and my dad Anakin screamed in the voice of Lenin, vowing revenge on Palpy. I felt numb and dropped to my knees, my socialist lightsabre falling on the ground with a clatter. The sound was a lot like the chains of the proletariat finally being freed after the revolution. Salty yet progressive tears fell from my eyes and I became completely oblivious to the chaos that was enusing around me. My vision blurred like a liberal who has false consciousness.

Suddenly, I heard my dad Obi Wan's socialist voice in my head. "Run, Luke! Run COYG." he said in the voice of Jeremy Corbyn and suddenly I broke out of my stupor.

I remembered the FUCKING REVOLUTION. I remembered how important it was that we were not captured by the fascist empire. My dad had told me to run, so I did just that. I ran. Distantly, I could hear Leia screaming and she tried to pull Anakin into the Millennium falcon. I turned towards them and bolshevikly used the force, pushing them both up the ramp. Then we jumped into the ship and Chewbacca flew the fuck away from the Dictatorship Star.

"THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! HE CAN'T BE FUCKING GONE FOREVER AND ALL THAT FUCKING BANGERS AND MASH!" Anakin calmly verbalised in his communist voice whilst advocating for Medicare for all.

"We couldn't have done anything!" I shrieked in the hysterical tones of Engles.

We crammed aboard the ship and my dad Obi Wan, true to his word and in a noble Communist fashion, had disabled the tractor beam. The Millenium Falcon streaked out of the Dictatorship Star's hangar bay, screaming into the vast expanse of space. I couldn't look at the stars and instead sat down on one of the seats crowded around a capitalist gambling table. My dad Anakin was sitting across from me, staring at nothing and breathing with the heavy breaths of the FUCKING REVOLUTION. A moment later, Leia joined us. She wrapped the heavy, Communist blankets she had taken from our luggage around me and my dad with all the tenderness of Madame Mao.

"I can't believe he is gone." I said to her in the melancholic tones of Che Guevara.

"There wasn't anything you could have done." She replied proletariatly, "NOT WITH THE WAY THAT SAGGY SCROTUM OF A CAPITALIST FACIST EMPEROR LITERALLY OPPRESSED OUR FAMILY."

I considered her wise words, meeting her eyes in a moment of shared grief.

"Come on buddy, were aren't out of this yet." Han Solo interrupted our moment of family mourning rudely and plutocratically with a voice that oppressed LGBTQIA+ people everywhere. I used the force to see outside the ship and I knew that he was right, there were white supremacist tie fighters flying after us. They were in the shape of the iron cross Nazi medals and the very sight of them OPPRESSED ME TO MY CORE. I ran around the dodgy capitalist ship frantically until I found the gun chair thing.

"You in, kid? Okay, stay sharp!" said Han Solo oppressively, still referring to me as a kid in an attempt to deny me the right to vote in elections. I socialistically ignored him and started firing feminist bullets that were red like socialism at the tie fighters. They were firing green bullets (the colour of American money) back at our ship, clearly in an attempt to disable us. I shot a few of them down very easily and they exploded, showering money over other nearby tie fighters and blocking their tiny windows. This was mainly because they were very poorly designed by corporatists and produced by SLAVE LABOUR.

"We've lost THE FUCKING LATERAL CONTROLS," said Leia in the concerned voice of Pol Pot.

"Don't worry, she'll hold together. You hear me, baby? Hold together!" replied Han objectifying the ship as a female that he could MISOGYNISTICALLY OPRESS AND SEXUALLY ASSAULT #METOO. But Han had nothing to worry about because I used the force and easily shot down the remaining tie fighters, all without getting cocky or screaming and making an elaborate show of how good my communist force powers were. Han pushed the buttons and we jumped to hyperspace gloriously.


	15. The Comrades Arrive on The Soviet Rebel

**Leia**

We finally landed on the secret rebel base planet YAVIN IV which was an acronym for Yes All Vertebrates requIre commuNism In-order-to SurviVe. From a distance, the planet itself was a reddish orange (which was formed through a mixture of the communist colours red and yellow). As we got closer, we flew over lush forests (which would have been chopped down for industry on a capitalist planet) before arriving at the great stone structures that defined the rebel base. When we landed and got out of the Millenium Falcon, I noticed that the stones had reddish staining on them, clearly in preparation for our Communist attack on the facist forces of the Dictatorship Star.

I quickly rushed out of the capitalist ship and ran into the base, which was deeply working-class and utilitarian. Inside the red tinted light formed a warm glow, illuminating the many Hammer-and-sickle wing fighters that stood ready to defend the workers of the world. Many working class soldiers and labourers rushed nobly around the hangers, wearing identical grey jumpsuits that looked very much like Mao suits. A tear dampened my eye at the sight of the labourer's solidarity and I fought the urge to spontaneously burst out into the Internationale.

I quickly held an information session for the pilots of the ships, generously informing them of our plan to defeat the Dictatorship Star. As soon as I had finished, Mon Mothma sovietly strode up and informed me that Cardinal Krennic had placed a tracking device in the chastity belt he had made me wear as part of the nun outfit. They were setting their autocratic giant laser gun to fire on Yavin IV! There was no time to waste. We all prepared to board our hammer and sickle ships with Anakin stationed on the command ship. As there was no time to waste, we didn't even bother with the Soviet National Anthem, instead we immediately communistically flew out to greet the Empire's Tie Fighters. The moment we pulled into range, they began firing oppressive bullets made of oppression at us.

"This is Gold Leader standing by." I said rebelliously into my ship's microphone EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T MY FUCKING LINE. GEORGE LUCAS HAD MADE ME STAY BACK ON YAVIN IV BECAUSE HE IS A SEXIST FUCKING LIBERAL!

"Red Leader standing by." I heard my brother Luke reply. It was a proud communist moment as our ships were designated the colours gold and red which are the colours of the hammer and sickle flag.

"COMMENCE HAMMER AND SICKLE FORMATION!" I heard Anakin cry sovietly, coordinating us from the command ship. I began to fly closer to the Dictatorship Star trying not to be distracted by it's shiny opulent exterior. It was clearly flaunting the Empire's immoral concentration of wealth.

"Leia look out!" I heard Luke's Marxist howl of alarm and I looked up to see a bunch of capitalist Tie Fighters. They were flying directly at me in a swastika formation! I skillfully dodged their bullets by swerving my ship in a very egalitarian manner and shooting bolts of red socialism back at them. I defeated them easily because they were flown by unqualified stormtroopers who had been under trained and only hired as a cost cutting measure. Their exploitative ships exploded into a glimmering shower of coins. It would have been quite a beautiful sight, if not for the fact that it was symptomatic of the unfair concentration of wealth in the one-percent. As I flew even closer to the Dictatorship Star I noticed a gigantic Tie fighter flying towards my brother Luke. It was shaped like a crucifix and it burned as it flew (even though space was a vacuum with no oxygen to fuel the combustion), no doubt powered by the sheer force of the colonialist oppression it signified.

"RED LEADER LOOK OUT! YOU ARE BEING FOLLOWED BY THAT CATHOLIC CUM RAG KRENNIC!" I enunciated into the microphone in the voice of Engels.

"Copy that Gold Leader," Luke replied in the stoic voice of the working class. He began some socialist maneuvers in the shape of a red star to distract Krennic and bamboozle his white supremacist targeting devices. But as Luke made a break for it and flew into a trench Krennic's KKK ship flared up with a violently oppressive burst of flame. His facist computer must have locked onto Luke's red Hammer-and-sickle wing, he was charging his weapons to racistly fire on him.

"NOOOOOOOOO" I cried comradely. Without Luke the FUCKING REVOLUTION could not continue. The fate of the working class of the entire galaxy hung in the balance, suspended amidst the tension of this perilous moment.


	16. Defeating the Dictatorship Star

Luke

I sped through the Dictatorship Star trench, acutely aware of the fact that Cardinal Krennic was bearing down on my hammer-and-sickle wing with his flaming KKK cross ship. A bead of socialist sweat rolled down my forehead as I checked the ship's computer. "Almost there," I muttered out loud to myself in the voice of Che Guevara, who's gorgeous communist face adorned my shirt. "Almost there"...

Suddenly, all of a sudden I heard a loud noise from behind me. I looked in the ship's rear view mirror and to my complete surprise I saw that Han had swooped in with the Millenium Falcon and shot at Krennic. The KKK ship was now spiralling wildly off course.

"Yahoo!" I heard a Han cry. Even when saving the entire revolution Han could not help himself but to provide free advertising for capitalist internet search companies.

"What are you doing?" I heard my sister Leia ask over the ship's communication systems in the VOICE OF THE PROLETARIAT.

"Saving you," replied Han, his voice sounding less like that of Ronald Regan and more like Bernie Sanders. "I grew up on Corellia where my labour was exploited to make Krennic's cross ships. I guess I am a bit of a socialist myself when I think about it."

But there was no time to think about how Han had shed his false consciousness, because finally we were able to maneuver our ships into a hammer and sickle formation surrounding the Dictatorship Star.

"Use the Force comrades," I heard the voice of my dad Obi Wan's force ghost command us. I wiped away a Marxist tear as Leia, Anakin and I used the force together. We were united as the FUCKING WORKING CLASS OF THE GALAXY watched on, and together FUCKING LIBERATED THEM FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE EMPIRE. Due to our immense combined Communism, a hammer-and-sicke-shaped vent began to open in the space time continuum. With the glorious sound of the national anthem of the USSR as a soundtrack, and the Dictatorship Star fell into the vent and we closed it with our force powers. The Dictatorship Star was swallowed up by the void as the vent knit back together and finally ensured economic freedom FOR THE FUCKING PEOPLE.


	17. Epilogue: The VICTORY DAY Medal Ceremony

**Leia**

We were all assembled back on Yavin IV for the glorious medal ceremony. It was designed to recognise the efforts of all of the comrades involved in the LIBERATION OF THE GALAXY AND DEFEAT OF THE FUCKING IMPERIALIST EMPIRE. Since we were all comrades, everyone had received a medal and Han, Chewie, Anakin, Luke and I were last in line waiting for our presentation. We were all wearing our Che Guevara shirts and for some absurd reason I was glad that Luke wasn't wearing a really ugly yellow jacket.

Force ghost Qui-Gon Jinn held out the red star medals with a golden hammer and sickle symbol engraved inside. His long hair was rippling gloriously in the breeze, which combined with his beard and his wise Soviet face to make him look very Marxist indeed. The medals were made of money we had REVOLUTIONARILY confiscated from the bourgeoisie and melted down. He delicately placed the first medal over my dad Anakin's lowered head and they did a celebratory Cossack dance. Then Chewie and Luke received their medals modestly whilst also nationalizing industry to keep the means of production in the hands of the working class. Han stepped up to receive his medal, his working class Correlian muscles rippling gracefully and I felt my heart beat a bit faster to the beat of The Red Flag by Billy Bragg.

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WHY IS THIS CAPITALIST SHILL GETTING A MEDAL?" asked Anakin in a solemn shriek. The dignified tones of his enraged scream echoed with respect for the sombre nature of the occasion, while also commemorating the comrades who died in the struggle against the Empire.

"DAD HE SAVED LUKE'S LIFE HE IS A COMRADE OF THE FUCKING REVOLUTION NOW," I shouted quietly.

"I think it would be wise to trust the Correllian this time," said the force ghost of Obi Wan, placating Anakin who had started on a loud rant about "reading Marxist theory" and "shills trying to infiltrate the revolution". "He may be an important asset to the Revolution in the future," Obi Wan continued.

Qui-Gon made a socialist noise of annoyance and the medal ceremony continued with Han and I both being presented with our medals. Later, we wandered over to the viewing platform with the STEPS OF STALIN to gaze upon the natural beauty of Yavin IV. As our comrades sovietly cossack danced to celebrate the GLORIOUS VICTORY OF THE FUCKING REVOLUTION AND TRIUMPH OF THE PEOPLE I pulled Han aside.

"I think we should practice the socialist fraternal kiss," I said nervously to him in the voice of Chairman Mao. Han placed his working class rough hands on my face and we kissed deeply in a socialist fraternal way that was no different from any other kiss I might have given my comrades. After all, I did it as a sign of our comradeship definitely not because the sight of Han wearing his red star medal made my cheeks blush a socialist red.

TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE V: THE SHILL EMPIRE STRIKES BACK


End file.
